Highway Code of India…otherwise known as Formalised Anarchy
Article 1 – The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
Article 2 – Indian traffic like all Indian society is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, camels, buffalo, pigs, goats, dogs, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, pedal rickshaws, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, handcarts and pedestrians.
Article 3 – All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim ‘to slow be to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat’. This is the Indian drivers’ mantra.
Article 4 – Use of Horn (also known as the sonic fender)
Cars: short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e. in clearing dogs, rickshaws and predestines from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming trucks “I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die”. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by the flashing of headlights (frantic). Trucks and buses: all horn signals have the same meaning, “I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping even if I could”. This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.
Article 5 – All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
Article 6 – In the absence of seat belts (even if there is) car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
Article 7 – Rights of Way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and so does oncoming traffic. Lane Discipline: All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road or the entire oncoming lane. Lane changes shall be made randomly without warning or regard to the surrounding or oncoming traffic.
Article 8 – Traffic Management: Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function, even if staffed. Any other impression should be disregarded.
Article 9 – Overtaking is Mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake. Every other moving vehicle should be overtaken, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than 2 inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing – one inch in the case of pedestrians, bicycles or rickshaws. Overtaking can be undertaken on either side of the vehicle being overtaken, regardless of road width.
Article 10 – Nirvana may be obtained via a head on crash.
Article 11 – Reversing: What is this? Not many drivers in India like to use this gear. Use is strictly against the drivers’ mantra.
Article 12 – The 10th incarnation of God was an articulated lorry.
The Johnsons 